A tide of uncertainty washes over me tonight. The flirty tide ebbs at the shore of reason and recedes until the crest of a new current rises.
Gerry stumbled and fell three times this morning. He knees just buckled. Twice, I was not near. I had to help him gather his long, sprawling limbs and to stand him upright again. This afternoon, he seemed more stable but was "spotted" when walking. He is now sleeping in the living room on a sofa-bed. That was a big step. He is a man of routine and when I said he wasn't going upstairs tonight, he protested slightly but was easily persuaded to bunk down on the couch. I will sleep on it too.
I was talking to a couple of heath care professionals today. They used words and phrases like "hospital", "quality of life" and "you have to think of yourself". I am resisting putting him in the hospital. He loves home and so do I. I don't mind the work but now I am concerned about his safety. Tonight, he had another fall. I was right there but he tumbled and injured his face by his cheekbone. It was bleeding.
As I tucked him in, I wondered if I was getting in too deep; if I was drowning in an ocean of self-righteousness.
As the seas rise and fall, so does my uncertainty.
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To think that just over a year ago words like oncology or palliative weren't in my vocabulary. I wish they still weren't.
ReplyDeleteCan't believe the changes that I've seen in dad this week. When I look at the picture below (picnicing) it's hard to believe that that dad is still the same dad I see on the couch.
It is so hard to know what you are going through even though i have been through my share of losses and illness, everyone handles it different.And its never thank god been my husband.He like Gerry to you is my rock.
ReplyDeleteBut do what you feel comfortable with and can handle and if it is to much then i would say Hospital.I can tell you know matter what you do you will still feel you could have should have done more that is just human nature.If you get sick or hurt your back etc. you are going to be no good to Gerry or the rest of your family.You do have to put some of your own well being up front to.I know its a very hard thing to do, but you have to think of yourself as well.take care cathy xxoo