Thank God It's Only Food Poisioning

Well, I got an interesting call this morning. The call display said "Dept. of Health". I am not surprised to get calls from health departments anymore. It was from a public health nurse named Karen. She said blood test results from Gerry revealed that he had Salmonella poisoning!!!!!!!!!!! She asked if he had eaten any undercooked meat lately and I replied that he hasn't eaten hardly ANYTHING lately to which she wondered if he had eaten any raw vegetables, nuts.....I said NOOO, he is not eating much and is on a feeding tube. The thing is, he is feeling a lot better as of tonight. I think it may have been lingering for a while.
I DO have to remind myself that he still has aggressive cancer and that, although he is feeling better, it may not last, but I will TAKE TODAY.

Home and Eating Carl's Peanut Brittle

Gerry is home from the hospital. Jen and Isaac were here for a visit this afternoon. It was awesome to spend time with them!! Gerry is feeling a lot better than he was before he want in, OBVIOUSLY! That was the goal! He is getting his pain meds under control so that makes him more comfortable.

Thanks to our dear neighbors, Carl and Donna. They are ALWAYS doing things for us. Today, Donna made supper for me, and Carl made Gerry peanut brittle. Donna said Carl took longer that usual because he wanted it to be perfect, for Gerry. I could go on and on about their generosity, but I will save that for another time.

Cry or Laugh

Were you ever in a situation where you wanted to laugh and couldn't? Or shouldn't? Or it would be just plain RUDE?
The first time it happened to me was at the funeral home during my father's wake. My father had drown. My Mom, sisters and I were in shock. We had endured hundreds of people passing by us, conveying their condolences, saying they were sorry and we were languishing in our sorrow. I am not sure what happened but as I was sobbing, I started to laugh, OUT LOUD. I stiffled it but remember how embarassed I was.
That could have happened to me today if I had not been more careful.
I have been really sad since Gerry's last diagnosis two weeks ago. My whole thinking revolved around him; his healing or non-healing his life or death and my future with him or without him. Today he got "a bed" and was moved to a bright room with a view, as opposed to spending two days in the Emergency Deptartment in a dark corner. That would be enough to make anyone give up. Gerry immediatey began to feel better after he got his new room. It was a semi-private and it wasn't long before his roomate moved it. He was an elderly gentleman known to us, who has suffered from a stoke a day or two before PLUS, I would say, has a touch of Alzheimer's. He was from a local farming community located in a valley and he may have been off the Island before but I am not sure. His wife was "coarse" as my mother would say and was well known for her love of the bottle. Her voice and coughing were testaments to her life long love of cigarettes. Poor Fred (not real name) had been housed in the Emergency Department with Gerry the night before and was telling his visiting wife about all the cows that were there last night. Gerry said he did not recall any bovines running around...and Fred said there were PIGS too.....Lots of pigs. Well, the nurse came in and was asking Fred routine questions for his admission.
Have you been to a hospital out of the province in the last 12 months......
Do you have asthma? diabetes?
Have you ever been exposed to HIV!!!! I LOST IT...I couldn't stop laughing. There was poor Fred with a shock of white hair standing on his head and mumbling in a muffled tone...Noooo.... I am glad the curtain was across. I had to stifle my laugh...
Then she asked him if he had any allergies. He said yes....he was allergic to a drug he was on one time....she asked what it was...he said...CRESTON (Crestor...a cholesterol medication)....(I could feeling a giggle starting to build up)...then she said....what are the reactions you have? And he said....they stripped the muscles from my legs...(I could feel the giggle growing....) Then his wife added...it happened to a lot of people in "THE VALLEY"....I was shaking by this time, covering my mouth with my hand.....the giggle had grown into a breathless silent LAUGH....I was picturing people in the valley with legs stripped of muscle.....THEN he said that it was no surprise since it said the muscle stripping was a side effect and it said so right on the package!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I was wheezing by now....Gerry was trying not to laugh out loud too.) And if you knew the characters in the scene it would be even funnier!
It was a stress-reliever. I am sure there was a reason Fred and Maggie were put in Gerry's room today. His cheeks grew rosier, smile grew broader and his love of laughter had risen from the dead.

Gerry today

Gerry does not have a bladder infection. He has a blood infection. Dr Khan, the oncologist, said it is common in patients with a blocked bile duct. He is on IV antibiotics and will be in the hospital for a couple of days. He does not have a room yet...maybe tomorrow! He is on a lot of pain meds and is in and out of sleep but shaved himself today with an electric razor...thanks to my sista Chick! His bilirubin level is down which indicates the chemo could be working.

Love Affair With A Tree

Our grandson Isaac was born on November 16, 2006. November 16 is my father's birthday so when he appeared on that date, we were thrilled!
Every Christmas when I was a child, we performed the ritual of hunting for a Christmas tree. In the 60's, you could go to anyones's woods and cut down a tree. You didn't even have to know the person! The woods belonged to everyone!! In mid-December my 3 sisters, Dad and I would drive along back roads of Indian River, Spring Valley and Long River. We would trudge through the woods seeking the perfect tree. Sometimes, Dad would cut it down, stand it up in the snow for our perusal and let it slowly fall into the soft snow after we disapproved because it was too skinny; something my sisters and I hated, and still DO hate, in all living things!

In the quest of beginning new Christmas traditions with out family, we decided to take Isaac Christmas tree hunting this year. Times had changed since the 60's and we were relegated to the hunt at a tree farm. Jen, Wayne, Isaac, Gerry and I headed out on a mission one Sunday in December with a saw and a truck, looking for two trees.....two trees that were not skinny. Gerry was feeling well then; not his "old self" but well enough to trudge through the swampy swale. At times he carried Isaac, his little legs unable to keep the pace. Finally, we found one and then two fat trees and the three men cut them down. Isaac's cheeks were rosy from the frosty air but we were exposing him to experiential learning. Wayne dragged one tree to the road where we would pick it up and Gerry hauled the other one but was unable to finish the course. The much younger and healthier Wayne completed the relay.
I put the tree up, enjoyed its fragrance, decorated it and undecorated it. For some reason I just could not take it down after the festive season. It was in a room that we did not use much so it didn't matter if it was left in the corner. There was no reason to leave it up. Something was holding me back from taking it down. I told a friend, whose husband was also suffering from cancer, that I did not want to take it down since I was not sure what my life would be like when another one went up next year. She agreed and also admitted that although it was well into January, some of her decorations still graced her house.

My tree is still up. I am not sure when I will take it down. The needles dry. They fall to the floor. The branches become brittle. There is little fragrance. It is becoming skinny but it stands and will stand and I love it.

Mom and Me

Gerry is in the hospital. His cheeks looked red tonight and he was nauseous despite the anti-nausea drugs he was taking. I took his temperature and it was 38.8, 0.8 degrees above the magic "38.0" at which time active chemo patients must report to the hospital. To make a long story short, he was admitted. He has a bladder infection and they are giving him a lung CT scan tomorrow. I am nervous.

As I was driving home tonight near midnight, I started feeling sorry for myself, then I thought of Mom. One day in May, 1972, Dad went trout fishing with his brother-in-law. As the Mountie cars sped over the railway tracks in Kensington later that day, little did we know they were heading to the Lake of Shining Waters in Park Corner. Dad and my uncle had both been drowned. Here was Mom;
-42 years old
-with 4 daughters, the oldest 17 (me and heading to an out-of province university in September)
-living with her mother
-working at Cavendish Farms
-with no life insurance
-with a car but no driver's license
-with no medical plan

I am still not sure how she did it.
As I thought about her, she gave me strength and I knew I would be alright.

Gerry's condition....

Gerry is not feeling great. He finished chemo on Friday and is worn out, nauseated, etc. He does not look good. He has not driven his truck in a week.
:-((

Counting Crows

One day as I stood in the kitchen of Gerry's father's house, he stood gazing out the window at the snow speckled fields. From his mouth came the words, "Two crows joy..."
He turned as I said, "What does that mean?"
As the ashes from his cigarette fell to the floor, he asked, "Ya never heard a that before?"
"No." I answered pensively.
He recited,
"One crow, sorrow
Two crows, joy
Three crows, a letter
Four crows, a boy."

I walked over to the window and peered out and, sure enough, two crows were pecking at the exposed potato stalks, seeking sustenance to get them through this cold day. I wondered what joy would happen as a result of their pairing and our sighting.

Since then, when I see crows, that little ditty echoes in my head.

Yesterday, I was at our apartments which are located beside the vacant "Rosemary" house. This was a century home and carriage shed we bought a few years ago. Rosemary, the previous owner, had passed away in the house by her own hands and I have always felt a ghostly presence whenever I was at the property. Maybe it was the magotted rat I found in the barn, the rope hanging from a loft beam or the reappearing Guardian mailbox at the driveway's end, after I had taken it down and put it in the barn, several times. Or it could have been the many crucifixes we found in the house, pictures of the Last Supper that graced the discolored walls or the dead birds in the dark attic. Gerry had planned to make apartments out of the old house that stood "straight as a die" and had already done some work on it before falling ill. After putting the house on the real estate market, some friends told me about the good fortune they had selling their houses, after burying a St. Joseph's medal under the For Sale sign. St. Joseph is the patron saint of real estate and I thought he was worth a shot. It took several months but the property finally sold and I give St. Joseph full credit.

I gazed at the property yesterday and thought of how eerie I always felt when I was there. I was also disheartened to think Gerry was not well enough to fulfil his dream of turning the shabby and tired house into a vibrant dwelling. He lamented many times in the last year, about how he wished he had his health to work on the house. Although it was a financial relief when the house sold, it was also the end of an era for Gerry; an era of visions, hard work and dreams fulfilled. As my eyes followed the roof, up towards the chimney they met with one crow flying overhead.

WINGS AND WINDOWS

As the mourning doves' wings whispered gently against our kitchen window, I couldn't help but be reminded of a time many, many years ago in my grandmother's kitchen.



It was a time when grammies didn't work, wore dresses and aprons, cleaned the tops of the coal stoves with emery paper until they shone and baked raisin puff, drop cookies and cooked pumpkin jam. On day, as I played on the oil-clothed floor, I heard a thud and turned my head toward the window. My grandmother gasped and looked at me. "Did you see that?" she asked.

"What?" I answered, as I got up to have a look.

"A bird hit the window! That means there is going to be a death in the family," she imparted.

As I looked out the window, there it was; little sparrow lying on the step, beak gaping, eyes staring and breaths diminishing.

"Is it really true that someone is going to die, Grammie?" I anxiously quizzed.

She responded, "That's what THEY SAY."

I really can't remember if any family member died due to the bird's collision but I do know that in the 45 years since then, quite a few relatives have passed on so it may be true!



Last summer, I decided I wanted a ledge bird feeder for my kitchen window. Gerry and I went to the workshop and he whipped one up in about 10 minutes and installed it just outside my kitchen window so I could enjoy the jays, chickadees, etc., at close range. After I poured some seeds in it, it was no time until the birds started to flock to it. I had to remain still when they were feeding, lest they would become startled and fly away. It gave me a wonderful opportunity to see these amazing creatures at close range.

Recently, mourning doves began to visit. In fact, the other day, one just sat in the feeder, watching me as I went about performing kitchenly duties. It sat there a long time before spreading its wings and coasting to the top of the garden shed. Lately, there have been three doves in the feeder. I move around the kitchen freely as they watch. When they want some seeds they jostle each other, jockeying for the best position in the feeder. Their wings gently brush the window over and over again. They scramble around, pecking at each other unaware that I am watching them and thinking of that day, long ago. A day of Grammie, a bird and a window.

January 23

Gerry had a "slow" day yesterday. He never got up until 11:00 and then laid down on the couch after I disconnected his feeding tube. The new tube is much more comfortable. Thanks to my dear friend, (nurse) Susan, for gently encouraging Dr. Bannon to replace it.

I feel Gerry is getting a bit mixed-up, just not as sharp as was was. He was also saying that he noticed how free doctors were with their pain medication now. Also, Gerry asked Dr. Khan if it would be OK to have a beer and he said it would be. Gerry noted to me that liver problems and beer don't usually mix, so he said he KNOWS why the doctor said he partake in something he enjoys.

I was lookimg at some old pictures yesterday. It is very difficult to look at them now. There he is, working, playing, holding Jen, beside me. Everything was fine. How I yearn for those days again.

Gerry gets his chemo pump off today. He has to go in again in two weeks to get it on again.

Enjoy your day!!

Jan. 22

Since I have had so many people interested in how Gerry is doing, I took a suggestion from a dear friend and decided to write it in a blog to get to as many people as possible. I appreciate ALL your emails, good wishes, etc. but I have so many good friends, it is impossible to respond to every one personally. Please continue to email me and I will respond as time permits.



Here is the chronology of Gerry's latest condition:



On December 17, he had a CT scan to check his abdominal area for any returning cancer. On December 30 we met with his oncologist, Dr. Khan, who informed us that the scan was clear. The next appointment with him would be in three months for a lung x-ray. We REJOICED! All the treatmets and tears of the previous 10 months had paid off. We celebrated the New Year with renewed hope. D. Khan also suggested we try to go without the feeding tube for a couple of weeks to see if he could maintain his weight. The first week went great. With almost constant eating, he only lost 1/2 lb., which was in the ball park. On Monday, Jan. 5, he woke up feeling like he had the flu with pains in his tummy, nausea and fatigue. OK, there was a lot of flu going around at that time. He could not eat much since his appetite was not there. Later in the week, I noticed that he had a yellowish tinge to his skin but I didn't mention it to him. Maybe I was imagining things. That was until HE noticed it too. He was sleeping a lot. On Jan. 10, I was heading to town on icy roads and "accidently" put the car in the ditch. I called Gerry but he was still in bed and did not answer the phone. It was the first time in my life that Gerry could not come to rescue me. I had to call our neighbor to come up with his tractor and tow me out with the help of another neighbor. I was very disheartened. I confided to a few friends that I was afraid something was very wrong with Gerry and that I was worried that the cancer had come back in his liver.



We went to his family doctor on Monday, Jan. 12. She referred him to the surgeon who performed the major stomach surgery last Feb. Gerry's feeding tube was bothering him and he had pain in another part of his abdomen. I keep thinking it was nothing since he had gotten a clear scan report in December and it was only a month ago. I was HOPING it was gall bladder. Dr. Bannon thought long and hard and told Gerry he needed to be in the hospital, so he was admitted the next day for blood work, ultrasound and another CT scan. The tests comfirmed Dr. Bannon's initial diagnosis, although he didn't tell us at the time. There was now cancer in his liver. The bile duct was blocked and we would have to see Dr. Khan for consultation.



Gerry was now back on the feeding tube since he was very nauseous and had no appetite. He had lost almost 5 lb.



We saw Dr. Khan on Tueday, Jan. 20. He stated that the tumors were not that significant but their location was troublesome. They were right at the duct. If they had been anywhere else, they would still be undetected. Why didn't they show up on the scan a month ago? They were very small and were aggressive. Everything about Gerry has been aggressive. Why should the cancer be different?? The doctor gave Gerry the option of trying chemo. There was a 30% chance that it will shrink the tumors and "buy time". The chemo would not destroy the tumors but give him a longer time on earth.



Gerry started his chemo yesterday. He had several drips and is now wearing a chemo pump for two days. He went to bed last night with two tubes running into him; his feeding tube and his chemo pump. I continue to take care of him and am off work until the end of next week for sure and we will see after that.



Appreciate each little second that you have with your loved ones. You never know how many more you have with them.

Stay tuned.